I was asked yesterday, “Are you back to normal yet?” this person had no idea how this question would destroy my heart and cause me to have a difficult day.
What is “Normal”?
For six wonderful months I had the gift of being a foster mom to a sweet baby boy. I took all the classes, I knew how hard it was going to be, and I still jumped in head first and fell in love with the most beautiful little boy. No matter what people said and being warned about how difficult it would be, I loved him like he was my baby. Early in January I had the great honor of handing him to his birth mom to go home with her permanently. What joy and pain was mixed in my heart that day. Our goal for our foster baby was always for him to go home to his mom, and it was our pleasure to help him reach that goal. But that didn’t change how hard it was for my mama’s heart to let him go.
Honestly that moment was the most difficult thing I have ever done or maybe will ever do. It’s been eight weeks and I have heard repeatedly from friends and family, “Are you over it yet?”, “He was just a foster baby?’, “Just get another one.” “You’re still sad?” “Isn’t time to get over it?”… Those well-meaning statements make getting back to “normal” impossible. It’s seems that when I’m having a good day and living life well, is just the moment someone decides to say something so incredibly insensitive. It’s like they want to pick at my hurt. I know that’s not true, these people care but have no idea what to say and sometimes stupid things fall out of their mouths. But who ever said what the definition of “normal” truly is in life?
I will never go back to being normal, because I spent the better part of 2012 with three children, and now I have two. Two children I love with all my heart and praise God for each and every day. But it’s not the same when you lose a family member, no matter what the circumstances are. We are slowly learning and developing a new normal for our family. But we will never be the same “normal” that we had been. And that’s ok. When you experience trauma or lose you can never go back to what it was like before that happened. What you can do is trust in an Almighty God who has a plan for your life. You can have hope that God is in control and although you don’t understand why things happen you can have peace that God knows why. The only reason I have been able to keep going through this time is because I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He is my reason for living, my reason to keep going, my reason to keep loving and He is my everything.
To tell you the truth, I don’t want to go back to being “normal” that would diminish the time I had with my sweet baby boy. I would do it all again, even knowing how it would completely wretch my heart, and turn my life upside down. Because he was worth it, loving him and helping him heal was worth the heart ache I am still experiencing.
So to all of you out there who think I’m taking too long to grieve or feel like I need to get back to “normal” soon, please keep you comments to yourself. Because I can’t heal with constant hurtful reminders. But praying for me and loving my family is the best thing you can do. You can be my friend and not judge me or the way I choose to grieve. I don’t need to be fixed, just need to be loved.