Needless to say I’ve been absent from the blogging world for a few months. Life has been different (to put it mildly) since January. I have had lots of health problems, along with the fact that my husband and I decided to downsize our lives, sell most of our possessions and move. It feels like my life has been turned upside down in the course of 8 months. There has been a great many curve balls thrown at my life this year. Nevertheless life is good, my God is good and I am finally in a place to start writing again.
Now after many trips to the doctors, lots of medications and mandatory resting, I am better. Still not 100% but finally functioning. Being helpless is hard for me, I’m independent and I would much rather be helping other people instead of having my friends and family help me.
But God used my weakness to pull me closer to Him. I have struggled with being sick my whole life. If there’s a cold I will catch it, if there’s some weird infection going around I will get it, and if I can somehow get injured while doing something, I will. It’s just been how life is for me. However the past 5 years or so I have been pretty health, or at least healthy for me.Well until this past January, it was like I was hit by a truck, and every time I would finally recover another truck would come. It was debilitating, being sick and depressed cut me off from friends and family. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t be the mom my kids needed me to be, I wasn’t able to be there for my friends the way I usually was and I wasn’t capable of taking care of myself. That was almost too much for me to bear. It was like I was in a deep dark pit and I had no way out. Every time I managed to almost pull myself out something would kick me back inside. I was hopeless, lost and angry, this was NOT how life was supposed to be, this was NOT how I wanted to live.
It is in that exact moment of weakness that God likes to work on my soul and build my faith. After spending weeks in bed angry at God, He softened my heart and pulled me closer to Him. Instead of being angry, I spent that time in prayer. Praying for my sweet little family, praying for my church, praying for the amazing students in my life, praying for the city I live in. Instead of being wrapped up in self-pity and thinking “Why Me?!?”, God turned my selfish heart toward others. I also dug deep in God’s word, learning and being encouraged by the love letter for my Savior.
I came to realize that I may never be 100% healthy, and that’s ok, most defiantly not my favorite, but if it’s part of the story God is writing, I’m ok with it. I seem to fight with God almost daily in how I want my story to go. I am slowly learning to let go of the pen and allow God to write what He wants, wither or not that means I’m laid up in a bed or not. As I’ve look back on my life and see the times I have had health struggles, I see that it has always been followed by growth in my faith. That is powerful. I know that my God is strong enough to completely heal my body. But I am content in living in my weakness, if it means my heart is fully dependent on Him.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I have a strong will, I’m stubborn, hard-headed, and easily distracted. God knows all these things about me and more. I need to be weak before Him, otherwise I’m a wild horse running straight for destruction. Now I am not saying I enjoy being sick, because i really don’t. But I do believe that ALL things work out for the glory of God. And for me, every hospital visit, every sick day means I lean into my God, I trust Him more and I learn from Him.
In life we always get curve balls thrown at us. Life shakes us to our core and things NEVER stay the same. It is in that weakness, in that brokenness that God’s power is made whole. We think He shines brightest when we are strong, but His power is made perfect in our weakness. So instead of blaming the world or getting mad at God for that curve ball you just got hit with today, take that moment to see what God wants you to see. Let Him comfort you today and always.
I hope to share with you in more detail about what has been going on in my life and my heart soon. I’m back and blogs will be rolling out ASAP. Thanks for continuing to read about my journey through life and the lessons God teaches me along the way. See you soon!